In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.
In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledged the part you played in it. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.
1. Take your time as you adjust to your changed life circumstances. Recognize that you are going through a major life transition that cannot be rushed.
2. Set up temporary arrangements to help you get through the changes involved in your divorce process.
3. You will often feel frustrated. Avoid the temptation of acting for the sake of acting just because it gives you a temporary feeling of being in control.
4. When you feel uncomfortable, slow down and identify what you are feeling and why.
5. Don’t force any more changes on yourself than are necessary.
6. Explore both the benefits and costs of your new life.
7. Think about the future. In your journal, explore the question, “What is waiting to happen in my life now?”
8. Remember to ask yourself, “What am I supposed to learn from this?”
9. Protect yourself against the inevitable forgetfulness and absent-mindedness which many divorcing people report. Make a list of important account numbers, telephone numbers, and the like, and keep them in a safe place.
10. Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from the divorce and the changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now.
11. Let people help you.
• If it’s impossible to reciprocate, say so.
• People know that your life isn’t like it used to be.
• Don’t let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer.
12. Let go of your need for perfection. You will not survive emotionally unless you lower your expectations.
13. Develop your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems.
14. Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first.
15. Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them.
16. Simplify everything in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated.
17. Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee.
18. Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don’t have time for it and it’s not necessary.
19. Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don’t waste your emotions on it.
20. Create a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce.
21. Learn to be assertive. You can’t say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself.
22. Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake.
23. Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, “I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?”
24. Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren’t around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel.
25. Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week.
26. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you’re afraid of.
27. In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about.
If you have children:
28. Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle.
• Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce and life in a single-parent home.
• Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do.
• Take your child’s developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior.
29. Make it okay for your children to talk to you about their feelings.
30. Keep appropriate boundaries.
• Don’t give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you.
• Let your children be children.
• Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce.
• Find another adult to be your sounding board.
31. Even though you may be unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers.
32. Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don’t assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to divorce by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, “Tell me how you’re feeling.”
33. While it is important to listen and accept your children’s feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior.
34. Keep a private journal where you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won’t find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear—all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent.
35. Remind yourself that recovering from divorce will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact.
36. Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal.
Self-care tips after divorce or relationship breakup
A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you’re going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup leaves you psychologically and physically vulnerable. Treat yourself like you’re getting over the flu. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible.
Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.
Self-care tips:
• Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.
• Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.
• Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.
• Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make better decisions.
• Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.
• Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.
Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a divorce or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.
Self-care tips:
• Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.
• Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.
• Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.
• Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you’re feeling less emotional so that you can make better decisions.
• Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you’re in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It’s essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings.
• Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.
How to Recover After Divorce
Give yourself time to adjust to your new circumstances. It takes time for things to fall into place. You need time to heal and come to terms with your new situation. Don't rush yourself. Take it one day at a time.
Keep a journal. Writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal can be very therapeutic. If you find yourself keeping your feelings bottled up inside of you, writing can be an excellent way to release them. Keeping a journal is a very productive way to express yourself. Journaling can aid you in the healing process.
Be willing to accept help. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to try to do everything by yourself. If you need help ask for it. If others offer to help you, accept their assistance. You don't have to prove anything by running yourself ragged.
Set priorities. Don't take on more than you can handle. Determine your priorities and go from there. Do what needs to be done and let the rest wait. Trying to do too much too fast will only cause you mental stress and physical exhaustion.
Avoid rebound relationships. Don't get involved in another relationship too quickly just to have someone in your life or because you don't want to be alone. When you jump into a relationship for the wrong reason it most likely will not last long. Take your time and when you choose to become involved in another relationship do so for the right reason.
Use your time alone constructively. People often have a difficult time coping with being alone after the break up of their marriage. It can take some time getting used to being alone. Learn to use that time constructively. Pursue a hobby or take an online course to further your education. Determine what you want to achieve in life and set goals then work to accomplish them.
Take advantage of your independence. Some people fear having to be independent, especially when they've had someone to depend on for so long. Look at your newfound independence as a new opportunity to develop your own talent and abilities. The door may have closed on your marriage but it has opened to new opportunities. View each day with a positive attitude and look forward to the future.
Keep a journal. Writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal can be very therapeutic. If you find yourself keeping your feelings bottled up inside of you, writing can be an excellent way to release them. Keeping a journal is a very productive way to express yourself. Journaling can aid you in the healing process.
Be willing to accept help. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to try to do everything by yourself. If you need help ask for it. If others offer to help you, accept their assistance. You don't have to prove anything by running yourself ragged.
Set priorities. Don't take on more than you can handle. Determine your priorities and go from there. Do what needs to be done and let the rest wait. Trying to do too much too fast will only cause you mental stress and physical exhaustion.
Avoid rebound relationships. Don't get involved in another relationship too quickly just to have someone in your life or because you don't want to be alone. When you jump into a relationship for the wrong reason it most likely will not last long. Take your time and when you choose to become involved in another relationship do so for the right reason.
Use your time alone constructively. People often have a difficult time coping with being alone after the break up of their marriage. It can take some time getting used to being alone. Learn to use that time constructively. Pursue a hobby or take an online course to further your education. Determine what you want to achieve in life and set goals then work to accomplish them.
Take advantage of your independence. Some people fear having to be independent, especially when they've had someone to depend on for so long. Look at your newfound independence as a new opportunity to develop your own talent and abilities. The door may have closed on your marriage but it has opened to new opportunities. View each day with a positive attitude and look forward to the future.
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